Reluctantly crouched at the starting line.

I went to bed at 3:30 this morning and got up at 11. I think I’d be alright if it weren’t for the massive headache of sorts that has obscured the left side of my forehead. Ouch. I should be packing or cleaning or going to the gym, but my headache is currently getting the best of me. Missing my 8 hours of sleep by a half hour seems to have also left me vulnerable to negative and desparaging thoughts. I’m trying not to give into them. Things are not hopeless. God has my solution already; I just don’t know when He’s going to let me figure out what it is.

I feel kind of bad taking this day to pack and recover and workout instead of getting coffee with Patrick, but there’s a lot to get done and very little time to do it. I don’t want to go through any lengthy goodbyes or overly romantic speeches. I don’t want to be touched, and I don’t want my space invaded the way it has continously been for the past three straight days. I’m just not into it. And if I were to hang out with him today, I know how it would go: awkward conversation for a few hours with me trying to appear enthused while trying to keep my distance at the same time and him edging ever closer to me and talking to make up for my lack of talkage. We’d do that for a while, until I would announce that I needed to go home, and he’d be like, “oh. Okay then.” He’d take me back to my house and walk me to my door and probably say something about getting to see me while he was here and all that, to which I would just say something lame like “thanks.” Then we’d hug and he’d say “bye, Sarah” like he’s dissapointed but trying not to let on, and then I’d go into the house. Blargh.

But, today, I have to:

• Finish packing my stuff
• Clean up my room
• Go to the gym and run and do weights
• Probably fit in another form of a workout later
• GET SOME SLEEP AT A DECENT HOUR

And that doesn’t exactly leave time to go out. Any spare time I have, I want to rest and enjoy the quiet while reading my book for counseling.

After thinking about it for a while, I’ve fessed up to myself that it’s not that I don’t want to be touched (well, I don’t to a certain extent- anything that goes beyond kisses, hugs, hand-holding, arm-putting-around, or snuggling is HIGHLY unwanted, trust me)- I just don’t want to be touched by the people I’ve dated (save for Scott, obviously, but he always was a different story). Thanks to Scott, I realize it’s possible to want to be affectionate and romantic with someone because I’ve felt that way before. I just don’t feel that way now. I haven’t met anyone or dated anyone recently that I feel that way about. I do not want my personal space invaded; I am not a cat that needs to be PETTED; and I want room to breathe and move about when I’m standing somewhere. When someone encrouches on that, it hits the panic button in my head and all I want to do is get as far away from them as I can. I am, as Lisa put it, “all or nothing”- it’s either working or it’s not, and I’ve got my running shoes on. I hate coming off as an ice queen because I consider myself empathetic and caring, but with some people, my care and concern for them as people in my life is translated into a larger and very incorrect emotion; the A-bomb in any relationship: the l-word. That’s the “go” signal.

She’s never, ever, ever looking back.

The last time mom and I had anything that resembled a real “talk,” she told me that I “focus too much on [myself].” Now tell me, with the prospect of COLLEGE looming ahead and the lack of anything solid BEHIND ME, what am I going to focus on? I’m trying to get myself READY. I’m trying to fine tune the only solid thing I can see right now. My family seems to have daily contests to see as to who can tick me off the most; my boyfriend is residing 300+ miles away; my “best friend” is in EUROPE; my other best friend is going to be a junior and thankfully we’ve at least been hanging out some; and I know NO ONE at the school I’m going to. Man, that sure makes it easy to focus on everything but me.

MAYBE if anyone could try to act SOLID for once, then MAYBE I’d put a little faith in them. BUT. So far today, my dad has woken me up [not even to TELL ME TO WAKE UP] to kindly let me know that those boxes in my room were put there by Olivia and if I’d clean up the closet (along with cleaning the house, he nicely added), I would actually find a place for them.

I AM NOT GOING TO SPEND MY REMAINING 48 DAYS HERE SURROUNDED BY BOXES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN, after realizing that WE HAVE NO MILK, I make a statement that has the word “fricken” in it, and since today mom feels like exercising a dumb rule that she has NEVER used on me before, she gets all offended and puts a dollop of tobasco sauce on my tongue- AND GETS IT ON MY SHIRT. Then she proceeds to try and put ANOTHER dollop on my tongue because she just didn’t think I got enough, since she kindly dropped a portion on my shirt.

SO. Sounds like a lovely and patriotic start to the fourth, eh?

Oh, it’s been a long day.

Today, I was informed that mom and dad are “not really too happy” about the “idea of [me] flying” to Louisiana. Apparently, Patrick and I “haven’t been dating long enough” for me to be able to visit him, so I can just wait around here for him to come visit. Huh. Something seems really one-sided about that, but it might just be my own personal opinion. He’s the same age as me, he’s been dating me for the same amount of time I’ve been dating him [duh], he’s flying the same distance, he’s having to dole out a lot of money- but it’s more acceptable for someone else to do that than have me participate at all. And why participate? It saves my parents stress, saves me money, saves them having to drive me, and saves mom [and Hannah] from having to rearrange their plans AT ALL because I’ll be there to babysit.

That was sarcasm, if you didn’t catch that.

Sometimes I worry I will never grow up and make my own decisions. The things I’m allowed to do fit inside a small box, and anything outside that box recieves either a “no,” a “we’ll talk about this… later [to which nothing is ever done about despite my consistent bringing-up of the topic],” or it requires a very long and drawn out decision-making process that limits what I wanted to do in the first place.

It’s already July 2nd and I have hardly done anything to make this summer worthwhile.

It’s already 1:18 pm and I have hardly done anything to make this day worthwhile.

I really don’t want to spend the rest of my summer this way. I don’t want to spend it just hanging on until I get to school. I realize that I’m “in transition,” but that doesn’t mean I have to live my life in limbo just trying to pass the time and fool myself into thinking I’m fine until the “transition” is finished. I have things I should do. The key word there is should. I should do this; I should do that. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste my days away doing regular things.

THIS IS MY LAST SUMMER BEFORE C-SCHOOL AND I AM NOT HAVING FUN.

I know what I should have done.
I know what could have been.
I know what I don’t want to do.
I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now..

 

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