Oh, it’s been a long day.
July 2, 2008
Today, I was informed that mom and dad are “not really too happy” about the “idea of [me] flying” to Louisiana. Apparently, Patrick and I “haven’t been dating long enough” for me to be able to visit him, so I can just wait around here for him to come visit. Huh. Something seems really one-sided about that, but it might just be my own personal opinion. He’s the same age as me, he’s been dating me for the same amount of time I’ve been dating him [duh], he’s flying the same distance, he’s having to dole out a lot of money- but it’s more acceptable for someone else to do that than have me participate at all. And why participate? It saves my parents stress, saves me money, saves them having to drive me, and saves mom [and Hannah] from having to rearrange their plans AT ALL because I’ll be there to babysit.
That was sarcasm, if you didn’t catch that.
Sometimes I worry I will never grow up and make my own decisions. The things I’m allowed to do fit inside a small box, and anything outside that box recieves either a “no,” a “we’ll talk about this… later [to which nothing is ever done about despite my consistent bringing-up of the topic],” or it requires a very long and drawn out decision-making process that limits what I wanted to do in the first place.
It’s already July 2nd and I have hardly done anything to make this summer worthwhile.
It’s already 1:18 pm and I have hardly done anything to make this day worthwhile.
I really don’t want to spend the rest of my summer this way. I don’t want to spend it just hanging on until I get to school. I realize that I’m “in transition,” but that doesn’t mean I have to live my life in limbo just trying to pass the time and fool myself into thinking I’m fine until the “transition” is finished. I have things I should do. The key word there is should. I should do this; I should do that. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste my days away doing regular things.
THIS IS MY LAST SUMMER BEFORE C-SCHOOL AND I AM NOT HAVING FUN.
I know what I should have done.
I know what could have been.
I know what I don’t want to do.
I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now..
